Humans Are Dumb! (Guest Post from an Angry Turtle)

April 25, 2017
One Angry Turtle
I’ll tell you: Humans are Dumb.  Yes, most of the world moves faster than we southern turtles, but, when it comes to missing the obvious, people take the prize. Y’all are ridiculous, and I can prove it.
Take what happened to me last Saturday morning.  There I was, moving at my own pace across one of your roads, (which, by the way, are too many, to begin with, and far too wide for the rest of creation) when this car comes over the hill, barreling down right toward me. Now, a squirrel or a dog would try to race that machine, but squirrels and dogs aren’t all that smart either.  Humans can be outrun when they’re afoot, but none of us is faster than one of them in a car. Anyway, the stupid car started squealing its tires, making more noise than before, and it screeched to a stop…directly over me.  Then it backed up, stopped again, and a human jumped out and ran toward me, making the same kind of high-pitched sound her automobile just made.  “I’m so sorry, I tried not to run over you,” she cried, and I would have accepted her apology if she hadn’t picked me up and carried me away in her car!

On and on, that woman talked for the next 10 minutes, and 10 miles.  All she did was talk and drive that car far too fast.  She apologized again for not seeing me and said she’d make it up by taking me on “an adventure” (As if being kidnapped going on joyrides with humans was something would like!)  Then she said we’d to go to her house once she ran a gardening errand.
Now gardening’s an example of human stupidity, at least the way she explained it to me.  According to Her, gardening is the practice of killing what plants are already thriving and reseeding the earth with others that won’t survive there without help.  Does that make sense to you?  I don’t see the point, especially after she added she was doing this for decoration, not food.  She explained the process takes both “energy” and “money,” two things she seems to value.  I asked, in that case, why didn’t she hold onto her energy and money and keep the plants that grew there in the first place? I don’t think she heard me.
After the “errand” (where I was introduced to more humans than I ever wanted to meet) she drove me back up to her home and said she wanted to feed me “lunch” and take my picture. She also said she wanted to study me. If that was studying, she didn’t look at me much.  Instead, she’d stared at a black plastic box in her hand she called a smartphone and only glanced at me once in a while. Evidently, the smartphone was supposed to tell her what kind of turtle I was.   Fool Woman!  If she would listen, I could have told her, “I’m the kind of turtle that wants to go home!”
Why does every human assume
I want salad for lunch?

Eventually, she pronounced me a common box turtle, which I thought was rude (As if anyone with a profile like mine could be considered “common”!) and began to read about my habits and needs out loud.  “Oh dear!” she looked up from her smartphone and said in a small voice.  “It says here you can get stressed out from being over-handled and sick if you lose your way.” She needed a phone to figure that out?

At that point, she apologized again, and this time she seemed ready to listen.  So, I let her have it with both barrels. I reminded her turtles existed long before people and we’ve learned a thing or two over the eons.  For example, we’ve learned speed is nothing compared to endurance. “Lots of species have moved faster than turtles,” I said. “They rush along, never noticing anything that didn’t directly affect them, and they run themselves headlong into extinction.” The woman muttered something about turtles not doing so well themselves these days. “But turtles still exist,” I said. “Because we slow down enough to notice things, we have focus and endurance. If humans have realized turtles are in trouble,  they’ve learned to notice, which is good. Only time will show if you can develop the focus to endure as we have.”

And, people shouldn’t disrupt our lives based on momentary impulses, I continued. Birds, turtles, even bugs have their own purposes in life to serve, and humans shouldn’t disrupt them unless they are in danger.”I picked you up to keep you safe,” she protested. “But you kept me with you to make yourself happy,” I replied. “You bounced me around in that noisy car and took me far away from my goal just because you wanted my company for a few hours. That isn’t right.” I said. “Other species may be your prey or servants,” I warned her, “but none of us exist for your amusement.” She looked pretty ashamed at that point.  

Turtle Across the Road at Last.
So, we made a bargain, the woman, and I.  I dictated my opinions so she could publish them on something called “the internet.” (she said it’s where millions of humans gather and learn but the more she talked about it, the dizzier I got.) Then, people could hear the opinions of a turtle and maybe slow down, a little. Then, she put me back in that rattle-trap thing she called a Jeep, and drove me, more slowly this time, back to the spot in the road where we met. She put me in the grass on the side I was facing when she first saw me that morning. Then she left.  Of course, I stayed tucked up in my shell through the trip, but I didn’t stick around once she left. I had places to go.

Internet or no, I don’t think humans learn as quickly as they can move and we turtles may outlast them yet. Who can tell? I know only to protect myself when danger is near, and remain focused on my goal when it’s not. If we can endure, then we will survive. Such is the wisdom of turtles.

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